- First order of business (best done as you are going up that nice curly-cue entrance ramp) is to fire up your cell phone. Call anybody, doesn't matter. Pranking is particularly fun as you are hurtling down the highway at 70 miles per hour! Optimal use of the phone is to hold it in your left hand, and lean against your window, so that it in effect turns itself into a "horse blinder" forcing you to completely forget that there is anything even resembling a universe to your left side.
- Mirrors are things to be mistrusted. (There's a reason they put that sticker "Objects in your mirror are closer than they appear"!) You are safest not to bother using them.
- When entering the highway via the entrance ramp, no matter how long a stretch you have to get your speed up, you must never...ever merge into the actual highway lane doing more than 45 miles an hour. Going any faster completely scares every other driver already on the highway and you never know what may happen. Also, in the process, it is best if you actually time it so that you will have to cut off a car at the very last second as you merge (slowly!) onto the highway. They're probably going too fast anyway, so you are doing them a favor. You might even be saving their lives by forcing them to slow down.
- Never. I mean NEVER use your turn signal for any reason while travelling our fabulous highway system. If you should accidentally turn on your blinker out of some odd habit you may have acquired over the years, you must leave it on for a minimum of 5 miles, and change lanes (preferably in the opposite direction of the way your blinker is blinking) at least once...hopefully more if there are enough lanes to allow. (Alternate: if you run out of opposite lanes, start pulling onto the shoulder as if you are having car troubles, slow way down, and then after turning your blinker off, slide slowly back into traffic. This is particularly effective if you do so in the left lane, as most cars in this lane are travelling at a slower pace anyway.)
- Whenever you see at least two car lengths in between cars in the next lane...you are required by law to dive into it, in order to make more efficient use of space on the roadway. The best use of this tip occurs when you stomp on your gas and turn sharply in between the two...cutting off the trailing car...run right up to the tailpipe of the leading car...and then slam on your brakes to prevent hitting said leading car. I mean truly, it is such a horrible waste of space to have that much room between two cars, don't you think?
- Last, but certainly not least, there are only 2 proper ways to exit the highway
- Option 1: stay in the left lane until the last possible second, and then stomp on your gas to dive across all available lanes into the exit ramp just before it's too late.
- Option 2: get in the right-hand lane at least 5 miles before the exit, and begin slowing down progressively until you are doing 25 by the time you actually hit the exit.
There you have it...Kirk's tips for safely traversing our Interstate Highway System.
Oh yeah...I almost forgot...it is now safe to hang up your cell phone.
